Hey… do you remember once I ever post about something that my lecturer always said to me before about me who emotionless and also looks like I don’t have heart. Once ago, my middle school teacher also said that to me. I’m really indifferent toward people around. I don’t care about people and everything.

Uhm.. lately I develop interest about human mind, psychology, and also psychiatry. Well, it’s been a while since forever I think. Once I ever dream to take psychology as future dream, and well I don’t even know how I get into FILM major hahahaha..

Recently, I’m working on new story and while I’m doing research for my character problem I jump into an interesting topic. Maybe I’m still heavily indulge by It’s Okay It’s Love (This drama is cool… I always like a story that pick that kind topic.)

I found this topic.

SPD or Schizoid Personality Disorder.
While I’m reading about it, as I read it I think that I might be suffer from it.
It’s like all the symptoms is match, but at the same time it seems like I’m not. Of course I have friend, I talk to me colleague finely, I can jokes but… I dunno… T_T
Maybe I’m really sick.

Not long ago, I have a major depression state after graduation from all the stress I got. Mostly because I find it’s hard to communicate with people. I dunno what kind work that will not require me to communicate with people or involve with them.

But at the same time, sometimes I did feel lonely. I want to have someone that really close to my heart. But none ever reach that far. I mean I can talk about everything to my closest friend or even a friend that I knew not long ago, but I can’t talk more about things that include my deepest personal feeling. No one even with my closest best friend that we have done many thing together, share many stories, and also feeling about our life.

That’s why I thought it when I read about SPD.
But before I also thought I have bipolar disorder, judged from the way I have a major mood swing at episode. For some time I can be happy and productive but at the other time I can be deeply depressed, especially when I do a project with my college friends. That time, I really feel so depressed and my mom always push me to find better work.

It’s stressed me up to I really want to die so I won’t be burden for my family, to that extend and I told my mom that once.

But then, I thought it again.

“What will people think if you die? Will people cry because of losing you? What did you do to make people feel already lose you as great person? How do you want people to remember about you? Is it a loser that lose to world? You have never done anything to world. You even cannot treat your family or repaid what your mother already scarifies for you.”

The thought restrained me from suicide.

Back to bipolar disorder.

But as I thought, I might not be bipolar, right? I’m not that extreme. It’s normal to be depressed at one time. Mood swing is kinda normal too if you compared me to my other friend, she has worse mood swing.

I’m normal, that’s what I thought.
Then this SPD… hmh… my mind becomes conflicted again.
Is the possibility higher for me to suffer from SPD?

Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy. Affected individuals may simultaneously demonstrate a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world.

This is really me.

People with SPD are often aloof, cold and indifferent, which causes interpersonal difficulty. Most individuals diagnosed with SPD have trouble establishing personal relationships or expressing their feelings in a meaningful way. They may remain passive in the face of unfavorable situations. Their communication with other people may be indifferent and concise at times. Because of their lack of meaningful communication with other people, those who are diagnosed with SPD are not able to develop accurate images of how well they get along with others.

This is also me.

Once my mother cornered me with my aunt in the conversation about having a hard time because of my father and I seems not to care about it and dunno anything about it, different with my sister who experienced it with her.

Truth is I know it’s all. I know everything happen to them while I’m living away from them.

But then my reaction toward uncomfortable situation is just I shrugged it off and pretend I don’t hear it. I never makes a comment or even correction. I thought it’s useless to fight with my mom, it’s tiring since I’ll never win and what should I say to her?

But what more scaring me, even thought I know about it, or even sometimes I also experience the uncomfortable situation about my father; I don’t feel anything. It just like ‘So what?’

Of course sometimes when the uncomfortable situation happen I feel I want to breakthrough and I don’t want to involve with those kind craps. But after a while I think whatever. Unless the situation can make me die, maybe I’ll not care much.

I’m kinda have an alarm which situation will led me to dead-end and not. I have a strong intuition about that.
But I have no sense about interacting with people Well it’s kinda better now once I join my recent office but before I’m really bad at interacting with people. I thought I never consider people and some people always talks at my back about it *my friend reported it to me that’s why I know there’s people talks at my back. Because if that’s usual me, I’ll not care much so I will not even know if there’s any gossip.

Anyway back to SPD,

After much thinking so much about my inner self, I suspicious that I might be the 'secret schizoid’.

Many fundamentally schizoid individuals present with an engaging, interactive personality style that contradicts the observable characteristic emphasized by the DSM-IV and ICD-10 definitions of the schizoid personality.[9] Klein classifies these individuals as “secret schizoids”, who present themselves as socially available, interested, engaged and involved in interacting yet remain emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of the internal world.

This is kind scaring me, but *you might think I’m kinda crazy or sick* I thought this kind situation of me is interesting since I always interested in psychology.

Or maybe I have other type of illness that always make me thought I have some mind illness.
Since I’m a type at absorb everything to learn, I can be kinda manipulative even at my self.

Hmh… -_-“’

I dunno anymore…

Sometimes I really want to search for some professional help, but then I think what the use?

What inside people mind is only the people their selves can solve it? None can help them to change unless they want to change it. Other people cannot know what inside our mind if we never said, and that can be manipulating.

Who knows when I do consultation, I might do manipulation by only say something I thought it necessary to make me diagnose as SPD since I know a little about it.

But anyway, it will hard to deceive pro, right? They always have their way to find out.
Maybe one thing that I should do is finding a good psychiatrist to consult with. And more important is the one who makes me comfortable.

and last word….

You must be confused what the hell I’m writing about. I have so many grammar mistakes. Hahaha
I don’t care. I just need to let out my thought.
Anyway I need to go home now it’s been late and I’m still at office.
Hahaha.